Neti Pot?

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It’s my allergy season now –  lasting until roughly the first snowfall. Everything is beginning to awaken; the birds are singing, and the flowers  and trees are doing the flora equivalent of cluster bombing.  Right now, my nose could water a small yard. The cottonwood trees are the worst, sending aloft little fuzzballs that happily drift in the soft breeze, and taking root wherever that breeze happens to drop them.

Or in whichever nostril sucks one in. 

That little bastard of a fuzzball lodged itself deep in the nether cavity of my left nostril, and I swear to my gods it felt like the thing shot out roots faster than I could say, “Oh,  crap”. The ensuing sneezing and swearing fit did nothing but silence every bird, and cause my cats to hurl themselves against the nearest door or wall in a vain attempt to either get back inside, or render themselves unconscious doing it.

I blindly stumble inside and go straight for the paper towels. This is gonna be a big blow, and bitty-assed little tissues ain’t gonna take the strain of this one. 

Nothing. Nada. The evil little sumbitch is still in there, morphing into a sapling. 

Half-crazed, I charge to the bathroom and grab a Q-tip. Hey, desperate times, desperate measures. I gotta dig this spawn out. And that’s when I spotted this thingy; I think came with a useless ear wash kit.

not a neti pot

No. This is NOT a substitute for a neti pot. Just. No.

I’m thinking, “I wish I had neti pot. This will do”.  The goddamed thing in my nose is a full fledged tree, so I’m thinking a neti pot isn’t gonna touch it, anyway. I need pressure. I remembered something about salt water with a neti pot, so I grab a shot glass – that ought to be enough to fill this blaster, and add a couple teaspoons of salt (I didn’t recall how much salt you add for a neti pot).

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to USE a neti pot, either – and I forgot my basic middle school biology…the part about exactly how far the sinus cavity extends.

Standing straight up over the sink, I stuff that baby as far in as it will go and let ‘er rip…and immediately recall my middle school biology.

“OHGODOHGODOHGOD IT’S EATING INTO MY BRAIN! MY EYE IS FALLING OUT! MAKE IT STOP!”

Nothing shot out of my right nostril like I thought it was supposed to – I think I shoulda tipped my head.  It probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway because what the force didn’t shoot back out my left nostril, went into my throat.

I swallowed.

Salt water hurts going down, too.

I’m just hoping that if the water cannon didn’t blast the thing out, the saltwater killed it. As for me – 400mg of Ibuprofen for my headache, four glasses of water so far, and 3 (!) Benadryl capsules have almost alleviated the damage that one gawdforsaken, yippity-skippity, happily drifting, devil’s spawn of an alien impregnated fuzzball seedwad…and I…have inflicted.

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8 Responses to “Neti Pot?”

  1. Crazy comes in all flavors and your inane humor is one of my all-time favs.
    Keep it coming. It relieves stress. (mine, not necessarily yours.)

  2. Lori Corbett
    Lori Corbett says:

    Thanks, Jack! It’s usually funny to me, too. After the fact.

  3. Weezie says:

    I hope you are feeling better. You should prolly keep watering that sapling, cause dry roots really hurt. Am I right?? 🙂

  4. Lori Corbett
    Lori Corbett says:

    Trust me – I’d rather sneeze myself to next Tuesday, than go through that again. What a moron.

  5. You’re gonna need more than a dinky nose hair trimmer when that cottonwood branch starts sticking out of your nostril. I’m thinking chain saw.

  6. Robin Salsbury says:

    My Netti pot came with salt packs and it works on gravity. Kind weird but neat at the same time. It is a small pitcher, that you pour in one side and it comes out the other. t;hen you can’t squeeze and force the water in it has to flow on its own. But I see you are of the school that thinks if a little is good a lot must be great. Well i hope by now you are feeling better. Maybe you should wear one of those dust masks when you go outside, at least until it snows again.

    Have a nice day!

  7. Lori Corbett
    Lori Corbett says:

    Haha, right you are, Robin. Common sense is not a strong suit. And I do wear a mask when I mow. 🙂

  8. Lori Corbett
    Lori Corbett says:

    LMAO Sam. I’m stealing that. <3

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